Thursday, November 5th 2009, 2:07am, our child was born. But no cries are heard, no breaths are taken, her body is limp and unresponsive - the doctors begin working quickly with unnerving calm. Countless questions and concerned speculations are filling our minds regarding the short and long term health of this, our first child. After 9 months of planning, celebration, sacrifice, anticipation, prayer and hope... the moment we thought would bring tears of joy has suddenly collapsed our entire world with crushing weight and deafening silence. Several hours pass without much more than speculation and the simple information that "she's alive and being monitored." It is over 3 hours before we can see her in the NICU and her mother can touch her for the first time. Erin Elaine Henson had inhaled fluid during birth and had to be immediately intubated, resuscitated and put on a ventilator. In the days that followed we would find out that, while it does not happen a lot, this was not such an uncommon event during births. The greatest concern was the length of time she had been "depressed" by the event.
Our first sleep came briefly around 6:30am. When we awoke 2 hours later, I remember thinking how badly I wanted to go back to sleep. Not because I was tired, because I was unable to face the reality of what had happened. Would she survive? Would her complications threaten her long-term health and/or mental capacity? How would we handle it if she were impaired? We are not the first parents to face such questions, but until you are presented with these possibilities it is impossible to fully understand their weight on a parents heart.
As news began to spread via text messaging, twitter, facebook and email, soon there were people all over the country praying for Erin... including a friend of my sister on mission in China! A global outpouring was happening for my daughter, truly an awe-inspiring and humbling occurrence. As hundreds of prayers rang out in heaven for the health of this beautiful, small, helpless child under the watchful care of angels and doctors, my own prayers had begun with pleadings of holy intervention. Frequent and fervent cries of anguish, desperation and distress; "please help her, heal her, do not let my own failings affect Your mercy. Give her the strength to live and grow into a healthy adult, give her the chance to live a normal life." More than any other time in my life I was in dire want of everything God could offer. But over time I began to realize my prayers needed to mature into complete surrender. Then, finally, I was able to fully let go; "Lord, I am completely Yours. Amber is completely Yours. My daughter is completely Yours. You know my heart, you know our needs - I am only asking now for Your will to be done. If Erin dies, if she faces long term damage... still I will praise You. If Erin lives, if she is healthy... still I will praise You. No matter the path, our lives are Yours and I am thankful."
To be honest, reaching that point of submission took a long time. Although I knew it was where I needed to be, I was afraid... scared that if I told God He was in control He just might let her die because I said it was ok. Maybe He would decide to test the strength of my proclamation? But that's not how God operates. I needed to realize that if I am scared of His will, am I truly submitting to it? The purity of my trust in God can only be shown in moments like this, and I needed to rise above my undue sense of self to allow the full power of God's spirit to overtake the situation. Remember, God does not purposely cause pain to test us, but He can use it to bring us closer to Him.... if we let Him.
Sometime later that afternoon, the NICU doctor gave us the great news that Erin's recovery was so strong and quick that he was convinced the problem was short term and expected a full and speedy recovery. Now, two weeks later, she continues to show only signs of good health. Lord, I am forever thankful for Your gift. My own heart has been captured outside my self.
"Falling on my knees in worship,
giving all I am to seek Your face,
Lord all I am is Yours"
